Apples of Gold in Pictures of Silver

For everything there is a time, Solomon says in Ecclesiastes chapter 3, also a time to keep silence and to speak, but when should we be silent and when should we open our mouth? That can be difficult, because many disagreements and arguments are caused by words. Sometimes because they are spoken thoughtlessly and too hastily, other times because of certain emotions or a hurt ego. Then a conflict can easily turn into angry words and personal attacks.

Dealing with conflict

We all get into disagreements from time to time. Our words are hard to contain. “For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.” James 3:2.

James describes the tongue as a small part of our body, but it has a very big effect. “Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!” James 3:5.

The Lord permits conflict to prepare the soul for peace. “Through conflict the spiritual life is strengthened. Trials well borne will develop steadfastness of character and precious spiritual graces. The perfect fruit of faith, meekness, and love often matures best amid storm clouds and darkness.” Christ's Object Lessons, 61 (1900).

So, it's important to learn how to handle disagreements the right way. Throughout the Bible we find clues on how to do this. Let's explore some strategies.

Extinguish the fire

Solomon uses the same image as James and he says in Proverbs: “Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth.” Proverbs 26:20. A few chapters before, we read: "Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; yea, strife and reproach shall cease." Proverbs 22:10.

Jesus teaches us in Matthew 5 how to deal with various conflict situations. Not an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, but “I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” Matthew 5:39. Christ teaches us love. Isn't that the summary of everything? Love God above all and our neighbor as ourselves? “See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.” 1 Thessalonians 5:15.

There will always be disagreements. It's up to us how we respond to it. “A soft answer turneth away wrath, …the tongue of the wise is health.” Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 12:18. Do we let the fire flare up or do we show God's love and mercy?

Prayer

It is not easy to put out the fire when we are tempted. David prays when he comes into temptation. “Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips. Incline not my heart to any evil thing, to practise wicked works with men that work iniquity.” Psalm 141:3-4.

James also encourages us in the first chapter of his letter. He recommends praying to ask God for wisdom when we find ourselves in a difficult situation. “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” James 1:5.

Our own lust, which leads to sin, is the cause of strife. And wrath does not give righteousness (James 1:14,15 and 20).

The wisdom of God, which we receive through prayer in God's Word and His guidance in our lives, should "let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" James 1:19. It is wise to be quiet for a moment and to listen sincerely to what the other person has to say.

Listening

Job indicates that he is willing to listen to reproof. “Teach me, and I will hold my tongue: and cause me to understand wherein I have erred. How forcible are right words!” Job 6:24-25.

A humble, open attitude is important to listen to another. Be open to feedback. No one is infallible and sometimes we fail to see our own shortcomings. That's why it can be helpful if someone points it out to you. We must have a willingness to correct our mistakes.

“Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.” Matthew 18:15.

Isn't it only gain if the first step of church discipline is sufficient and the following steps are not necessary?

Conclusion

A conflict situation is stressful, we all know that. But if we deal with it in the right way, it can lead to positive change. The Bible teaches us not to throw fire into the fire of division by harsh words. Share God's love and grace to end disagreements. “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” Proverbs 25:11.

That isn’t an easy task, and we cannot do it on our own. In prayer the Lord can ask for wisdom, the right words, and a right attitude. God is willing to answer that prayer.